Goodbye my lil one....

Alhamdulillah atas segala rezeki yang dikurniakan selama ini....
Innalillahiwainna ilaihirajiun.... pada segala dugaan dan kesedihan yang berlaku.....

Tanggal 23 May 2010, selepas membuat pertimbangan sebaik-baiknya.... maka dengan berat hati we have agreed to terminate the pregnancy..... Innalillahiwainnailaihirajiun......

16 May 2010, we went to the clinic to do the check up.... tapi Allah Maha Mengetahui.... lepas scan, Dr. kata the fetous was small indeed.... and no heartbeat detected.... sepatutnya mummy dah 11 weeks tapi baby cuma besar size 7 minggu.... Dr said janin tak menjadi.... and suggest to terminate the pregnancy... for the best interest of all.... but she suggested us to seek for a second opinion before deciding anything.....

Rasa terhenti jantung seketika.... and I did not cry at that time..... tried to absorb the fact that I might loose the baby, which I have been carrying around for the past 11 weeks.....

Among the three pregnancies, this was the most challenging one, the worst all-day-sickness I have ever had..... Dr said normally with this type of pregnancy, mummy will not have a bad morning sickness.... alas....

Upon reaching home, that was when I brokedown...... I cried and I cried and cried and cried...... the whole afternoon..... and evening...... hubby pujuk punya pujuk sambil ceramah skit2.... sakit jiwa bila kena ceramah tu..... Insya-Allah ada hikmah yang tersembunyi disebalik apa yang berlaku...... Allah nak memberi peringatan dan dugaan sedikit kepada hambaNya ini....

Our appointment with another gynea at a different hospital was scheduled on 19 May 2010. After scanning, the result was still the same. She said if we wanted to be sure, let's waited for another week for confirmation.....

On 22 May 2010, we went back to the first gynea. Since it was already a week after the first visit, we have decided to check once again and asked all sorts of question before making final decision. Still the same, but the fetous was a bit bigger , 8 wks, with shapes of hands and feets shown but still no heartbeat detected. And I was supposed to be in my 12 weeks pregnancy already. And yes, the nausea was still there and no bleeding what-so-ever detected. That was the hardest part..... Appointment was made to carry out the ERPOC procedure the next day.

I cried and cried and cried my heart out after that.... till following afternoon..... praying that Allah will forgive me and make me strong to go through this.....

Went to the clinic at around 3pm, did final scanning for confirmation, and Dr masukkan ubat at around 4pm. Left the 2 kids with MIL, and around 7pm, went back to the clinic. Worried, scared, anxious, semua ada.... and the waiting was so terrible it stressed me up.

Around 10pm, I was wheel chaired to the OT room. Ubat bius begitu berkesan till I did not feel and remember anything.... sedar2 mamai2 dah ada kat ward semula.... pening kepala tak leh nak cerita... berputar dunia.... Around 1.30am, I've requested to go back.... Hubby settled the bill, dan malam tu mummy tidur without the precious lil one in me, not anymore.... and the 2 kids at MIL's....

Maka berakhirlah satu kenangan yang takkan mummy lupakan sampai ke akhir hayat.... nevertheless.... I will always love you, my precious lil one...... goodbye.....